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How NOT to make friends at the grocery store: * stand directly in front of any door that automatically opens, to prevent anyone else from entering or exiting the store. * don't bother to watch where you push your cart. People will get out of your way. * teach your children to say charming and delightful things to other shoppers, like, "Mister, you sure do have a big butt!" or "Hey, lady, do you know your right hootie is bigger than your left one?" * occupy as much of the aisle as possible. Under no circumstances should you ever move to the side, unless someone says "excuse me." If this happens, be sure to act affronted. * pass gas loudly and often, giggle, and say, "Food shopping always does a number on me!" * look over the purchases in the cart behind you and exclaim, "I can't believe you actually eat that!" * try to purchase your order using nothing but coupons. * pay for your order entirely in change. * attempt to write your check for $100 over the purchase amount. * cut in line, based on the fact that you are tall/overweight/elderly/blonde/a construction worker. * ram your cart into other shoppers' vehicles in the parking lot. That's what insurance is for. * jump onto your cart and roll very fast, extending your arms and yelling, "I'm King of the World!" If people trying to back out of spaces can't see you, tough. * encourage your children to attempt to get into other shoppers' automoblies with them. * throughout the entire shopping experience, chatter loudly on your cell phone. Be sure to tell Aunt Lucy about your hangnail/hysterectomy/projectile vomiting problem. Can you guess what I did today? |
 
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Rules for Shoppers