Panda Wrasslin' 101
2006-07-05 10:19 p.m.

I bought some dog clippers, at the urging of my vet, some time ago. I've been waiting for Casey El Stinko to need clipping, so I could try them out.

The clippers came with a cute how-to DVD that showed how to clip a terrier (a small, cooperative terrier), how to poodle-ize a poodle (also small and agreeable), and how to do a "utility cut" on a Shi-Tzu (again, adorably miniscule and willing to be clipped.) No part of the video dealt with "enormous wooly panda dogs" or "cantakerous elderly Wonder Borkitas" or "overweight sheep wrestling."

I followed all the destructions. I brushed Casey free of knots and mats, carefully combing and patiently pulling all that thick, soft undercoat. I rolled him over, as he fought me, and did his whole belly, too. His fur is long and silky right now, and I wouldn't want to clip him, except that he's often incontinent in his sleep. When he's fluffy, he's really hard to clean up adequately, and he doesn't like having to stand long enough to be bathed. He's fifteen, after all.

I clipped his back kind of long, because I wanted him to look like an Akita, not like last year's disastrous Giant Mexican Hairless fiasco. I left him some ruff, and trimmed his chest feathers, sides, and legs.

I switched to a much shorter clip for his undercarriage and nether regions. Suffice to say that much wrasslin' ensued, and i pretty much just clipped whatever I had hold of.

Two hours later, Casey looked pretty good. The sheet I'd spead out to catch all the fur had a giant Casey Jr. made entirely of hair trimmings on it. I was wearing at least a small Chihuahua's worth of fur on my person.

Casey was very pleased. He pranced a little out on the lawn as I trimmed a bit with scissors, and acted very vain when the neighbors admired him. I think I made him look a bit like an overgrown piebald coyote, myself, but he's pretty debonair for a canine fossil.

I now understand why grooming is so expensive. I will never again balk at what my groomer charges, and she's getting a bigger tip! Ooof!

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